good taste

You guys.

Have you seen this quote?

Go ahead. It's long. I'll wait.

I've seen it pop up here and there lately. And I love it.

It's hugely encouraging... Much of the work I do feels a little disappointing to me. At the beginning of the year, I took inventory of the things that were life-giving to me: the things that, in a very real and basic way, are what God has wired me to do. And I've been at least a little bit intentional in making more space in my crazy life to actually do those things. But when I look at the finished product, it never quite lives up to what I'd envisioned. 

And then I am tempted to quit sometimes. I mean, not quit quit- because I really like  feeling alive and living from who I was made to be, so I always come back... eventually. But I frequently find myself kind of moving away from the creative and distracting myself in all the details of keeping my life and my home moving. I can always find somewhere to put my attention... my to-do list is months long. 

For me, this idea, the need to push through the work until reality matches the vision, is just the excuse I've been looking for to just go ahead and do my thing, even when I don't love what comes of it. Because maybe it'll get there. (Ohmygoodness, is that quote the longest possible way to say "practice makes perfect"? Maybe. Don't care. Still love it.) So I'm going to write more. Shoot more. Sing more. 

And yeah, maybe it'll stay kinda... meh. Maybe I'll always be frustrated by the difference between what I made and what I wanted to make. Maybe the words won't always come out as well as I wanted and the pictures will still fall far short of capturing the glory I was hoping for. Maybe the high notes are always going to be out of range. None of that's fully within my control. Not all small things become big things. (...to shamelessly rip off Emily Freeman. Again.) This is fine. But it will always be mediocre if I don't go ahead and do it. And while I'm putting in the time, waiting to see if I'm ever actually happy with what it is I'm making, I get to do the stuff I love. 

As I write this, it occurs to me that I worship God in my creativity. The God who created me made me in His image, which includes, among other things... wait for it... creativity. In living that out, I agree with him that the ways He created me to reflect Him are good and right. Offering that back is an act of worship. And it's the creating itself that reflects Him. Not necessarily what comes of it. Do I want to do lousy work? No. But is my best a good offering to him? Absolutely. 

This makes me think of my girls. (Like usual.) They're only 17 months apart, both preschool. So they're each learning to draw, and the developmental difference that 17 months makes is pretty clear. I can see my oldest concentrating hard on drawing whatever she's drawing. She's focusing on doing it "just perfect." But I honestly don't value her attempts at perfect any more or any less than the picture that her little sister colored "all rainbowy." I can see them getting better, even when they can't. And the thing that's valuable to me is the effort they are clearly putting into creating, and the joy I see in them as they do.

So maybe it doesn't matter if I'm a little frustrated at the scribbles I make. I'll keep trying and I'll keep improving. Only God knows whether my drawing of a dog will ever look like an actual dog I have in my mind. That's not really my concern right now. The thing that's mine to do right now is simply busting out the crayons and printer paper.

So how about you? Are there areas of creativity that you dabble in, but kind of distance yourself from? Is your desire for perfection and inability to attain it keeping you from being the creative that you were made to be? Please don't let it. We need your gifts. The world isn't the same without them. 

Here's to good taste and good-enough art. 

She's writing again...

So... Let me just preface this: 

I have no intention of making this a good, polished, life-changing post. 

I just set my timer for 10 minutes and we'll see what comes out. Edit later. Publish. Share? We'll see.

This year on vacation with my family was goal-setting time once again. I made a point of spending some time thinking about it most days. For a lot of days, I had nothing. Just a lot of swirling ideas and good intentions. No "one word" coming up, no overarching direction. Then, toward the end of it, something clicked. 

First. 

My time with Jesus has been comfortable, but not especially... vibrant, I guess. It happens pretty much every day, but it feel like what a lot of marriage writers talk about as "drift." I read His words for a few minutes, then talk to Him for a few. I thank Him for a bunch of things, pray for my babies, my husband, sleep... frequently a lot of other things, but always those things... and then I go on with my day. It's kind of rote.

It's time to get back to my first love. 

Seeking first the kingdom of God.

So my word for the year is first. 

First in chronological order, first in importance.

I frequently find myself having conversations (at least in my head) with friends about things that I'm doing or processing. Or things they're dealing with. Sometimes, I'll even tell them what I'm "praying for" without actually doing said praying. What?!? It's not on purpose, just sort of... happens. (If you're one of those friends I've said those words to, I'm sorry. I promise I do actually pray for you, but sometimes it takes a little longer to remember that's what I'm supposed to be doing.) So my commitment here is to stop myself when I'm about to text a friend (or, again, more often when I'm composing said text in my head) and actually... I don't know... talk to God about it? Writing that, it seems pretty basic. But that's where I am right now, and it's time to make some steps back to where I want to be. That seems like the first one. (First! Get it? Haha!)

With that clear, a whole lot of other little things began to settle in my head.

The conversation I'd been having with Jesus suddenly became a lot less confusing. The things that were important came to the surface (complete with reasons and mini-goals!) while the rest just kind of... fell out of my head. I sort of wonder if this is just example number one of the way "first" works. 

...and all these things will be added unto you.

If you're curious, here are the other areas that I'm working toward this year:

Writing clears my head. Makes me feel... real? visible? like I've done something relatively permanent? It's a way to encourage people using words I can think through thoroughly during a season when both other people and coherent thoughts are otherwise a little scarce.

Photography increases my appreciation for beauty and preserves some pieces of beauty from my little corner of the world. (Like this picture. I was at a lavender farm on Maui, and was absolutely transfixed by water. On grass.)

Singing is good for my soul. I was blessed with a chance to help lead worship this fall for the first time since I had kids, and it was amazing. I can't quite put into words how vibrantly alive I feel when I sing, but I have no question that it's part of the way God made me, and my whole being resonates when I live within His purposes for me, so I will be doing more of that. I can't wait another four years.

Exercise improves my mood and energy. It burns off stress and makes me feel strong. My body's been good to me, and I'd like to keep showing it love. Also? I'm way more fun to be around when I've exercised recently. Just ask my husband. Or don't. 

Connecting with others needs to happen in an intentional way. My world feels like it's gotten very small in the last four years. It's time to come out from my cozy little baby world and invest in some women around me.

Organized environment saves my energy for more important things and preserves my sense of calm. I fairly recently became acquainted with the concept of the "highly sensitive person," which has given me permission and ideas to work with a part of my personality that I've fought against for a long time. This is part of that.

"Quiet" is kind of a catch-all, but I dearly want to be able to take my thoughts captive and calm my busy mind. (This had a wildly diverse set of action steps which included, among other things, eating mindfully, a few minutes of quiet meditation per day, deleting facebook from my phone, and going outside regularly. It's all related, at least inside my noisy head.)

So why am I telling you all of this?

Pretty simple. Falls under "writing." I promised me I'd try hard to make time to post a couple times a month, so here I am, showing up. (And the writing of it actually took me ten minutes on two different days. Because I'm sure that matters.) 

Thanks for joining me here! Any thoughts? Do you have a focus this year? Things you want to bring into your life in a more intentional way? I'd love to hear them. 

Present

Present.

You know the thing a lot of people have started doing recently, where instead of focusing on New Year's goals and resolutions, they chose a single word to be the focus of their year? Well... I didn't set out to do that. But I did all of my New Year's-type goal stuff while we were on vacation in January, and that's just kind of how it settled out. I had something like 75 divergent and nonspecific goals, but one word kept coming to mind. And I know it's almost March. Believe me, I feel every ounce as silly as I should to be writing about my "2014 word" almost 1/6 of the way through the year. But stuff keeps coming up. And, I mean, the impact of it is supposed  to be evident all year long, so here we are. 

So...

Present. 

(as in me.)

I want to be present. In my body and my life. I know I can't be the only one who is almost never here. I find myself living my days on autopilot. Which is kind of dumb, because my life is pretty awesome. I have been blessed beyond measure. My husband, my little girls, an amazing support network of friends and extended family, a healthy body... I think this morning's blessings in my little "thankful journal" passed 1400. And that's just the small handful a day I think to write down. 

But still. 

Get up. Girls up. Breakfast. Laundry. Eleventy-billion rounds of disciplining smart and fairly willful toddlers. Figure out what I'm making to eat this week. Take said (smart, willful) toddlers to the store. (Aack!) In and out of car seats. The never-ending negotiation that is nap time. Finally my favorite man ever gets home. Dinner. You get the idea. This is, give or take, every day. I'm not complaining, but do you see how it might be easy to do? To (at best) go on autopilot or (at... not best) kind of run away? I mean mentally. Like, with my phone. Or just getting lost in my scheming about how to finish all the things most efficiently. And it's not just the stay-at-home-mom-of-toddlers thing. My life has always kind of involved some sort of oft-used mental escape hatch. Oh, sometimes it looks like I'm leaning into it all, but hours of to-do listing is still not the same thing as inhabiting. Abiding. 

So this year, I'm trying to feel what is going on in my body. I want to see the world around me. Use my senses. Spend more time being mindful and less time (a lot less) numbing out on Facebook and Candy Crush because I'm kind of stressed. 

This comes with some downsides. 

For one, it's a lot easier to numb when I'm stressed than it is to actually find something useful to do with or about it. 

Also? This:

How is this a downside? It's not, in and of itself. I love that I see more... this. But these are a few pictures from our vacation. And none of my pictures ever capture fully what I saw. Can I just tell you that there were many days that I nearly wept at my inability to absorb all of it? I just kept thinking of a line from the Rich Mullins song, "Here in America"... "There's so much beauty around us, but just two eyes to see, but everywhere I go, I'm looking." Stuff like that happens when I choose to be present. It's a bizarre anxiety. Near panic sometimes, in fact. 

And it's not just when I get away in some gorgeous tropical location, either. This one is just ice that formed on the rail of our front deck.

When I start being here, present and open to the beauty around me, it gets a touch overwhelming. Sometimes autopilot seems a lot easier. Less awesome, but certainly easier.

So that's what I thought this "present" thing was going to be about this year. 
Being here. Sensing the world around me. Paying attention to the people around me. Feeling my feelings, rather than finding ways to feel something else unrelated. (Eating. Facebook. Whatever.)

But then the more I kick the word around, the more I think of all the other things it means.

Present.

(as in gift.)

This year, I want to pay a lot of attention to the gifts I've been given. I want to start seeing blessings in the mundane and in the difficult. If 2013 had had a word, it would have been "grateful." This reminds me that I'm not done with that. Thanking God for the gifts he's given me isn't something I can get and then move on to other things. 

Present.

(preeZENT, rather than PREHzint- as in put forth, bestow, give.)

I've been kind of hiding out the last couple years. Part of it is babies- I have so much immediate and urgent to focus on that I don't put that much of myself out. But part of it is kind of self-focused laziness. I don't look for opportunities to serve. (I mean, outside of my house. Because there is a LOT of serving that happens inside it.) Because I'm tired. And I haven't been connecting well with women around me (despite the fact that I LOVE connecting with women around me) simply because I'm so focused on my little world that I hardly even see them. And I would very much like to change that. 

Also? I'm looking forward to using my gifts more intentionally and paying attention to the things God has placed in my heart and mind, so that I can give of my self a little more (and a little more usefully.) 

Present.

(as in Him.)

This is quite possibly the most important one. I've known from childhood that God is omnipresent. He is The God Who Hears. He is Emmanuel: God with us. I tell my kids that Jesus is always with them. We talk to Him in the car to thank Him for the pretty sunrise. I talk to Him on and off throughout my day. But somehow, presence has escaped me. I mean, I act like He's here with me, but I don't think about it in the same way (or with the same frequency) that I would if I actually believed it to be true. For instance, when my husband is home, I am aware of him. Pretty much constantly. Most of the things I do or think about doing run through the filter of "He's home. How does this affect him or how does he affect this?" The fact that Jesus is actually present comes with no such filter. His presence hasn't made its way into my worldview yet. Or something. I am hoping and praying that, by the end of the year, that has changed.

I'll be honest... When I came home with a word this year instead of action steps, I was a little disappointed. I mean, I love crossing stuff off of lists. (Who doesn't?) This does not exactly get crossed off, and that bummed me out. Also, I was worried that the discipline of bringing my focus back to a word (and my head back to my life) wouldn't really... challenge me? Change me? I really hated the idea that December might find me basically the same as January, save, perhaps, for this one little area. 

Safe to say I'm not so worried about that anymore.

grace enough: The First Post

Hey! Check it out, I'm blogging. Because the world was short one of those. Pretty sure the internet is complete now, you're welcome. 

Um... Sure. 

So I've had this blog for a little bit now, but have been putting off The First Post because, well... it's The First Post. And conditions must be right. It has to be awesome. And I have to have time and be relatively rested and inspired and my kids have to be down and... yeah right. 

So instead of that, I'll just go for it. And it'll probably be a little rough. I'll hit "Publish" and then immediately come up with a bunch of things I should have said more or less or better.

Basically, I want to tell you (whoever you are) (Mom?) what I'm here for (online, not existentially.) Actually, I'd mostly like to tell me what I'm here for. I don't have a great deal of wisdom to share. No super crafting ideas or recipes. Nothing at all worth a Pin, most likely. But here's the thing... I have this crazy, mundane, clumsy, grace-full life. And I don't want to live it in an unexamined way. I process things by writing, and this gives me incentive to document and process life in a coherent way. I mean, of course I own a pen and a journal. But that gets... rambly. Actually, this is getting rambly, too, but my journal barely even makes sense to me and I was there. So my hope is to write things. About my life. That make sense. And maybe, just maybe, God will use some part of my story to encourage you in yours. 

(Here's a pretty picture I took. Because Real Blogs have pictures. And because God made winter lovely and it is totally unappreciated.)

(about the title...)
About a year ago, I started keeping a "thankful journal." (Thanks, Ann Voskamp!) (Look! I just did a linky thing!) Anyway, listing out things for which I am thankful has changed my life some and changed the way I look at my life a lot. I am now on the lookout for the little gifts God is giving me in the mundane parts of my life... turns out, those gifts are all over the place. And then several weeks ago, there was a stretch that seemed to be tougher than most. Nothing crazy, just normal stuff. No sleep, busy schedule, crazy toddlers. But for some reason, it was taking MONUMENTAL EFFORT. And every day, I thanked God for grace enough to get through it. Either at the start of the day for yesterday's grace or for today's that I knew was coming, I thanked Him. And it was always there. Then I looked back over the week and saw "grace enough..." over and over, and there it was. 

So this blog is about my life. But really it's about His grace in my life. In little and big ways, it's all over the place, and I want to find it.